Do You Trust Yourself?

I have to admit.... I don't always....

I have a tendency to talk myself out of even the best of intentions - whether it's going to the grocery store with list in hand, checking off items on a To-Do list, or promising myself I'll do something, then following through. One way or the other I'll find some "logical" reason for not doing it.

Shopping is not my forte to begin with. If I've spent over 30 minutes in the grocery store then get to the check out line and discover that I've forgotten to get something on my list, the wheels start turning and the debate begins:

"Do you really need this?"

"Yes, but I'm tired, ready to go home."

"Can't you get by without it one more day?"

Then the scales come out and I start weighing the pro and con evidence. 90% of the time I'll go home without that item, only to scold myself for not having it the next day!

To-Do lists are... well, they've historically been an exercise in overwhelm. I'll make elaborate lists of what needs to be done and sometimes even map out how long each item will take. It really doesn't matter if the list is just for today, or for this week, or even for the next three months. I tend to create To-Do lists only Super Woman could complete. I've done this since I was in grade school... which is when I first realized I couldn't trust myself.

Maybe I'm I being too hard on myself.... Most of the lists I make are not "realistic." And the schedules I create around them have no "life" elements figured in - no meal times, no "think" time, no time for unexpected events or interruptions.

And the grocery lists... sometimes there are things on them that I'm really not out of yet - not completely! I'm sure, if I mash really hard, I CAN squeeze just one more bit out of that toothpaste tube. I can always get more tomorrow, right?

Then there's the promises to myself - the great idea I had but didn't follow through on because I let negative self-talk get in my way. It may really be a fantastic idea, but then the put-down, self-defeating mind chatter rushes in with things like: "But, what will people think? Are you SURE you want to do that? I don't know, this could be way out of your league. What if you don't do it right?"

This Thanksgiving weekend I had an opportunity to "redeem" myself on all accounts. I went to the store with my mom to pick up several items I'd been needing and actually got all of them. Plus, I even picked up a couple of things I'd forgotten to put on the list!

With several performances and appointments already lined up over the long weekend, I was extremely careful about keeping my To-Do list to only a few tasks. Although, some things still took longer than I thought and I ran late a few times, I was able to keep the Overwhelm Monster at bay. That's a good thing!

And the best one of all.... Traveling on Thanksgiving day, the airports were pretty empty. I greatly appreciated the few pubs and news stands that were open during the layovers. Toward the end of the trip, before boarding the last plane, I was sitting in the restroom thinking about all this. There was an airport maintenance person dutifully cleaning one of the stalls. She did not see me come in.

I started thinking about how you have to pay to potty in Europe. It's either a required fee with an attendant collecting it, or there are tip jars at the sink with the attendant milling around "discreetly." I'd always taken offense to this. But sitting there in a freshly cleaned stall on Thanksgiving day, I began to think differently. Here was a lady who probably had family or friends she would much rather have been visiting with. But here she was, cleaning toilets in an empty airport. A thankless job at best.

My brain began to percolate..... What if I give her a tip? I thought back on the times I'd received surprise money and what it had meant to me. The more I thought about it, the more excited I got. I finished my business, got the tip money out and opened the door.

There she was, standing right outside my door. I felt the fear sweep over me and the mind chatter kicked in: "What will she think" What if she's insulted? This is a stupid idea. If you're going to do this, you should give her more, not this measly two dollars."

Then I thought about how I would feel if I let this opportunity slip by.

The next thing I knew, I was putting the money in her hand, looking into a pair of beautiful brown eyes and sincerely saying "thank you" to a fellow human being.

Sure, it was only a couple of dollars. But the look in her eyes, the warmth I felt in my heart, and the feeling of renewed trust in myself from following through with something beyond my comfort zone - these things were priceless.

Here's to continuing the Journey.... building trust and stepping outside the comfort zone.

-Becky