Friday, June 03, 2005

Actually, the Truth is.....

.... in continuing the reasons why I have not written a post lately (as started in Life as a Sine Wave).....

The truth is that I had the wind knocked out of me.

After going on and on about how wonderful the experience was in my recent acting opportunity, (blog posts Basking in the Afterglow, Smoking Cast, Feed off the Audience and a whole newsletter dedicated to the idea of stepping out of one's comfort zone), I discovered that I was not chosen for the potential re-play of the show in January 2006 because I could not be heard consistently.

I could go on and on about the symbolic meanings of this.... but the short story is:
  • I know that I have a quiet speaking and singing voice.
  • I had a body mic on during the shows.
  • I didn't realize I was not being heard.
  • So I didn't even think about needing to project.
  • I have projected and been heard across a noisy room several times in my life.
  • But this takes a tremendous amount of energy (and in these instances a bit of frustration and fed-up-ness).
  • I believe that being in the show helped to "cure" my fear of being seen by giving me the opportunity to "feel the fear and do it anyway".
  • I am still grateful for the whole show experience and for the many things I've learned from being in it.
  • I take this "rejection" as information that apparently I have a "fear" of being heard also.
  • With this new "awareness" I've noticed other situations in the past weeks where this "fear" is being pointed out for healing.
  • I sense that the two fears - of being seen and of being heard - are interconnected.
  • Even though I intellectually understand all this, I think emotionally, I have been hiding and "licking my wounds".
  • It's interesting that after the first weekend of the show, I woke up with a sore throat on Monday and could hardly swallow by Tuesday morning.
  • I am grateful for doctor friends and strong drugs that helped me say "NO! This drama experience will not be sabataged!
  • It's also interesting that this past Sunday I woke up with swollen, painful, stiff joints in my toes, ankles, fingers, knees and upper vertebrae in my back/neck.
  • According to Louise Hay's book, Heal Your Body, swelling has to do with being stuck in thinking and clogged, painful ideas; stiffness has to do with rigid, stiff thinking.
  • Working on the inner issues behind these physical symptoms has led to some interesting "aha's".
  • These symptoms have nearly all gone away now.... I can wiggle my toes, make a fist, move my neck around and walk down the stairs without hanging onto the railing and grunting with each step!
Here's to continuing the Journey.... and learning more about myself from every experience life sends my way!

-Becky

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