61 Hours

Last night I finally figured out why I'm exhausted all the time......

I'm working five 9 to 12 hour days a week. And that doesn't even count Sunday, which is my shortest work day at 7 hours!

All this makes a whopping grand total of 61 hours, six days a week..... And that's on a good week!

(The past two weeks have NOT been good weeks.)

Then, to make things seem even worse, I did some further analysis.....

• hourly compensation for these fun-filled 61 hours comes to about $15
• only 25 of these hours are spent in actual money-making activities (which includes driving time)
• the other 36 hours are spent in planning, prep, creative brainstorming, admin, practicing, writing, etc all in anticipation of doing the money-making activities

Hm.... something's got to give..... if I can figure out how to whittle down 11 hours, that would give me a 50-hour work week at $18.50 an hour.... (whoo-hoo!! THAT's better!)

There have been two major time gobblers since August. One is the UAH Music Lit class, with an average class prep time of 6 hours (with 2 classes a week, that's 12 hours!!) I'm working on strategies to get that down to 4-6 hours a week. (Keep your fingers crossed!!)

The other time gobbler has been the commissioned piece I've been writing for the Huntsville Brass Band - which is now completed!!!!!!!! (I'm just 'slightly' excited about that!)

I turned in the final version of score and parts last night. The premiere is November 3, Thursday evening, at Trinity United Methodist Church. (Either 7:00 or 7:30, not sure.)

Time spent on it? About 72.5 hours (or more, since I wasn't maticulous about my time-keeping). And if I were going to get paid for it at my current hourly rate of $15 an hour, that time spent would bring in $1087.

Which would actually be pretty cool.... IF it was a paying commission. (I really need to work on the "paying" part of that activity!)

Oh well, great experience.... learned a lot....

((.... now tell me again.... how many more of these do I need to do to get to the paying part?))

Here's to continuing the Journey.... and trying to figure out how to make more money in less time.... or for starters, how to make the SAME money in less time.... that would be good too!

-Becky

That Fuzzy-Brain-Dead Thing

This fall has been non-stop, full-speed-ahead since it began about 3-4 weeks ago!

On top of trying to finish up a commission for the Huntsville Brass Band, (concert November 3 at Trinity), teaching my own students and classes at Water Music Studio, composition students from UAH, and preparing for various concerts and rehearsals at UAH and Trinity, I'm teaching my first "real" class at UAH this semester - Music Liturature.

The class is basically a semester-long study of music - it's history, composers, and their works from the Middle Ages (450) through the 21st Century (today) - for non-musicians. The first unit was all about terms and concepts needed to even discuss music..... Try making that a fun couple of classes for 30-40 accounting, biology, computer and various other science-type majors who are there because they needed the credit hours and this was the only class that would fit in their schedule!!

But somehow, amid the blank stares, yawns and general fumblings of a first-time lecturing classroom teacher, we've made it through the basics, the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, with our first exam on Monday. (For your amusement, you can see class notes and stuff I've set up for them at MU100.)

Some classes have been really good. Most, though, I've walked away feeling rather down about them. It's probably mostly my perfectionism talking.... "You've been teaching for 25 years. You should be able to do this much better than it's all turning out! AND it shouldn't take you 6 or more hours to prepare for one class!"

But, in reality, it does take 6 plus hours - or at least it has been. And I've learned that just because I've done all this preparation doesn't mean I'm necessarily going to feel "prepared" as I walk into class. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

I've also learned that standing up in front of 30-40 students in a classroom is equivilant to standing up and talking in front of a small audience. And just because I've got my outline and know what I want to say.... it doesn't mean I'm going to remember everything or that I'll be clear-headed enough to even follow my outline when I get in front of them.

I don't know which is more frustrating, the fuzzy-brain-dead thing that hits me without rhyme or reason when I enter the classroom, or the 6 plus hours it takes to prepare (and then the fuzzy-brain-dead thing hits anyway)!

I DO know that I can't keep going this way. If it's going to take at least 6 hours to prepare, then I need to budget for that time. Luckily, with Monday's exam already prepared, I can use my next few planning periods to get ahead on the next unit. Also, now that I've discovered more of the on-line teaching resources that are available, I'm going to change the way I prepare for each class.

And best of all, talking to one of my adult private students who does a lot of classroom teaching, he gave me some of great ideas and strategies for presenting the material and keeping the students involved, awake and yawn-free. (Thanks Tim!!)

So - now with renewed hope in the class planning and presentation department, my mind is free to get back to finishing the Brass Band Piece, which had to take a backseat when UAH classes started...... Yipee!

Here's to continuing the Journey.... learning to juggle projects, speak confidently to groups, and keep that fuzzy-brain-dead thing at bay!

-Becky

I'm Back! (Take 2)

Wow, I haven't written anything here in 19 days! My goodness, how time flies when I can't access the internet 24/7 like I used to be able to do!!

Cable internet. It's not all its cracked up to be! Sometimes I'm on.... sometimes I off.... Seems I just thought I was back 19 days ago!

And it's NOT my computer, by the way. (That seems to be the favorite Cable-Guy default when they can't figure out how to make it all work.) That possible reason was ruled out by my computer tech guru when we eliminated an anti-virus software conflict.

Ah.... unreliability.... it's a real pet-peeve. But now that I've had my 3-minute poopey-time.... I'll get on to what I really wanted to write about.....

Praise for the wonders of internet research!

A friend of mine forwarded one of those if-then chain letters.... you know, the kind that says "send this to ___ people and your life will be ________."

I very rarely forward them. However, I AM an easy prey for quotes.... I LOVE quotes. And this one was full of them - supposidely forwarded by the Anthony Robbins Organizations. It seemed odd to me, though, that a multimillionaire motivational type guy would choose to send a chain letter.... so I went to his site (found through an internet search) and looked around. (I was thinking of putting the quotes here on my blog, but wanted to verify the source first because.... as you know, I AM a sucker for quotes!)

I also want to give accurate information and give credit where credit is due.

There was no mention of the letter on his site, nor could I find any of the quotes from the letter.

SO.... I did an internet search on the first quote from the letter to see if I could find its real owner, but found no one that owned up to saying it. However.... what I did find was fascinating!

There are several websites that list these quotes or a variation of them, along with varying degrees of other quotes as well. Some put their name on it, some attribute it to "unknown", and some leave the by-line completely off, making it look like those words of wisdom came from that website owner/writer's creative pen.

THEN!!

I found the BreaktheChain website! and the TRUTH.... All in less than 10 minutes!

Fascinating!

(It's amazing what a person can do when they can actually get ON the internet! :)

Anyway.... I'm sure you're just squiggling in your chair to find out what the heck are these quotes that I'm talking about!

So, I'll start with the chain letter site so you can see the original letter in question, then give the other sites I looked at. Happy quote reading....

Oh yes, the search was made on this quote (which I still don't know where it originated):

Give people more than they expect

and do it cheerfully.

Here's the links:

• http://www.breakthechain.org/exclusives/lotustotus.html
• http://www.dellwyn.com/thoughts/21_thoughts.html
• http://www.hoodiadietproducts.com/Inspirational/a/25.htm
• http://www.icnc.org/scratchpad/a152.htm
• http://www.therapeuticadventures.com/inspiration.htm (scroll down to "Life's Little Instructions for Life")
• http://www.yogakingdom.com/wisdom/instructions.html
• http://www.storytellers.net/new/gdluckttm.htm

(and that was only a few pages into the search findings!)

I feel I must add this disclaimer.... I am not faulting anyone for spreading motivating or inspiring words, or for passing along quotes of any kind. I'm just a stickler for wanting to know the source. Maybe it's the composer and teacher in me coming out. But I've always been very careful about giving credit when I've used other people's ideas.....

..... At least since 10th grade.... hm..... I just now realized where all this stickler-ish-ness is coming from.... the ONE time I did not pass the credit along to the true owner.... all because I was too shy to speak up....

Been feeling guilty ever since.....

Wow. Guess I'll go do some hail Mary's or count some rosery beads... or better yet, do some tapping (EFT - an amazing technique for clearing out unclaimed baggage!)

Here's to continuing the Journey... searching, finding, and discovering buried issues to clear! Whoo-who, ain't life grand!

-Becky

I'm Back!

I have not been able to get on the internet since July 30. It's only been nine days, but it feels like nine years!

It doesn't make sense why this happened.... I changed hosting companies for my websites, got the new email set up, then poof! No more internet access - yet I was able to continue sending and receiving emails...?

But thanks to the magical handiwork of Matt at Appleberry Technologies, I'm now back on-line!

Thank you, Matt!!

Here's to continuing the Journey... on-line and off!

-Becky

New Chapter

In lots of ways it feels like I'm starting a new chapter....

Just got back from a women's workshop series that I'm taking in Atlanta. This weekend we each told the story of our Spiritual Journey. It was a very bonding, moving experience as each woman shared the struggles and challenges she'd gone through in her life and told of how they'd made her stronger, wiser and more connected to God and to herself.

Telling our stories in a safe, sacred space, we were able to then let all the pain, hardships and baggage of the past go so that we can now embrace the future with a clean slate.

It feels like turning the page to a new chapter.... a fresh, new page full of possibilities, full of the potential to do, be and have whatever our hearts desire. And armed with the wisdom and strength we've gained, we have the opportunity to choose again... to choose this time to learn and grow through joyful, loving experiences instead of through pain.

I am honored to be a part of this circle of beautiful women and to have witnessed their sharing. I am blessed by the experience of sharing my story and of being fully heard, loved and supported.

Thank you.

Here's to continuing the Journey... sharing life stories, letting go of the past and moving forward in joy!

-Becky

Moved and Reconnecting

The past two weeks I've been so focused on packing and moving that I have not raised my head out of "my little world" hardly at all....

When the moving company called last weekend to let me know that if there were 40-50 mile an hour winds, they'd have to reschedule my Monday move, I was really puzzled until someone told me there was a hurricane coming!

And, embarrassingly, I didn't know about the bombings in London until several days afterward.

My sincere apologies to all the people who were affected by these events.... my thoughts and prayers are with you.

My friend Paul in the UK gives some informative links on the London tragedy. He also tells about a great idea for passing along contact info in case of an emergency - ICE (in case of emergency). The idea is to put your emergency contact's name and phone number in your cell phone, for example: ICE - YourContact'sName.

Here's to continuing the Journey... and being reminded again that we are all connected....

-Becky

Deciding the Essence

Somewhere, many years ago I think during my teenage years, I heard or read the phrase: Don't limit God.

The context, as I remember, was to not limit God by telling him exactly what you wanted, what you wanted it to look like, and how you wanted it to appear.

Then, later, reading The 11th Element and other such books, it seemed they were all saying the opposite: Have a clear picture of exactly what you want and why you want it.

What's a girl to do!?

Looking deeper, I see that "Don't limit God" carried with it a sense of unworthiness and judgement, as in, "who do you think You are trying to tell God what to do!?"

So I either ended up apologizing for wanting things, or feeling guilty about wanting and asking, or even worse, going unconscious and just not thinking about what I wanted at all.

On the other hand, when I first read The 11th Element, I wrote my "letter to God" like it suggested and manifested an all expense paid trip to Lithuania. (You can read the story here.)

Since then, however, I haven't been able to get as clear on exactly what I wanted. Maybe that experience scared me since it went so against my childhood "training," I don't know.

Lately though, putting 2 and 2 and 2 together and coming up with 8... (yes 8... I never have liked having to follow someone elses rules!) ... I've realized that this whole "deciding what you want" issue revolves around essence:

Decide the essence of what you want and let God, the Universe, Spirit, whatever you want to name it, take care of the details!

An experience this week brought this idea closer home for me....

I've had this long standing desire to get back to the lifestyle I had when I first began teaching many years ago.... write music, articles, do all the creative stuff in the mornings, then teach in the afternoons, with students coming to me at my home.

Also, in a vision of my "ideal day" written I don't know how many years ago, I saw myself doing all the creative stuff in the mornings and people coming to my home office in the afternoons. I don't remember exactly what I or they were doing, just the essence and the "feeling" of it.

I was hoping, with this move I'm currently in, I'd be able to get back to that sort of daily/weekly schedule.... and was actually being a little stubborn about it, even when a friend kept offering other teaching ideas and possibilities.

Then, two days ago, I received an offer to teach a music appreciation class at UAH this fall. And, with the reality of the move setting in and needing some "for sure" income, (as opposed to "theoretical" income since I haven't started fall registration for my teaching studio yet), how could I refuse?

Besides, this opportunity will help get me a little further along in the stretching-my-comfort-zone goal to feel comfortable speaking in front of groups.

The only problem is that the class meets in the afternoons on Monday and Wednesday - which completely screws my teaching schedule idea!

So... back to the drawing board.... That's when I realized I needed to dig a little deeper and uncover the essence of what I wanted.

Here is what I discovered... I want:

• Peace and harmony within myself,
• To know that the work I do matters, and that it makes a difference in other people's lives,
• To know that I'm living my purpose, that I am doing what I came here to do,
• Financial abundance, with plenty to support my life and my business, and plenty to share,
  
• A sense of connection with God and with other people,
• A sense of being grounded and supported,
• A feeling of freedom, lightness and joy.

All this... or something better! Thank you, God!

Here's to continuing the Journey.... having the courage to decide what you want, and then saying it!

-Becky

The Ultimate Freedom

Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.

- Stephen Covey, Author and Speaker

This quote came today in one of the daily motivational ezines I subscribe to. It was a nice reminder for me as I'm going through some personal transitions. I thought it was also a good reminder for all of us, whether we're celebrating Independence Day in the U.S. or just enjoying the Monday of a new week.

Take a moment to read the quote again slowly and think about it. It contains the nugget of truth that, I believe, leads to true peace and happiness....

We decide how people, things, situations, and events will affect us. And we have control over our reactions - or non-reactions to them.

In other words, nobody can "make" us mad or "make" us angry or upset, or even "make" us happy. We decide how we will feel.

Granted, a lot of times we may have a "knee-jerk" reaction to something somebody does or says. But that just means we've fallen into an unconscious pattern or habit. It's our choice whether we continue that reaction or whether we dig deeper and discover the core issue so that we can resolve it.

But that takes work, doesn't it?

It's so much easier to blame someone or something. And most likely, we'll even find a few people to support us in our blame game.... And that validation feels soooo good!

Only problem... this road leads to everything but peace of mind and inner happiness.

Is it worth it?

Like breaking any habit, changing a behavior takes conscious, consistent awareness.

The first stage of awareness is noticing - noticing how we respond to people and situations, noticing how we feel in each instance, and making a conscious decision if that's the response we want to continue.

As we go through today, celebrating or working, let's exercise our ultimate freedom - deciding for ourselves how others will affect us.

Remember, it's not Them - it's Us.... It's our own individual, personal choice.

Here's to continuing the Journey... celebrating another day of ultimate freedom - the power to choose!

- Becky

Time Management

The only consistant thing between me and time management is that I continually manage to run out of time.

I am the kind of person who thinks she can do 10 things in one hour.... okay, I'll be more realistic... 5 things in one hour. Then, look up to realize that she's spent over 3 hours on ONE thing!

Like this newsletter that I FINALLY got out this morning. I started (this last stage of it) at 6:30 this morning. It is now 10:10 and I just completed the last step! UGH!!!! All I needed to do was do a final read through and send it to my mailing list.... Ok... so those two things included about 15 steps and a couple of unexpected complications.... but hey! I SHOULD have easily been able to do it in at least TWO hours! Right?

Anyway.... if you'd like to see the finally completed project - (I won't even mention that it was scheduled to go out June 1st!) - here it is: Create a Happy 'Tude - Transitions.

Here's to continuing the Journey.... and managing to get at least ONE project done in a rediculously large amount of time!

-Becky

Honey Moon

Did you seen the full moon (the Honey Moon) Wednesday night? Gorgeous!

Whenever I see a full moon, especially low in the sky like this one, I can't help but take a moment and enjoy its beauty. There's just something about it that draws me in... a sense of magic, wonder and awe....

Traditional astrology says that the Moon signifies change and fickleness, and astrologers have long been aware of its influence on earthly events. Today, there's growing scientific evidence to support theories that were once rejected as superstition. Read more about this research.

The Farmers Almanac, which has monitored astrological activity since 1818, claims that when the Moon occupies a particular place in the Zodiac each day at 7:00 a.m. EST, it can play an important role in achieving the best possible results for certain activities. If you're thinking about starting a new project, cutting your hair, doing a little planting, quitting a habit, or potty training a child, better check the Almanac for the Best Days to ensure your success!

Other interesting links:

History of the Farmer's Almanac. This must be the "new" Farmer's Almanac, as the "Best Days" link above is to the "old" Farmer's Almanac.

Calendar of the Moon's activity. You can even get the RSS feed to be informed daily.

See all the Full Moon names. Seems that farmers refer to the June full moon as a "Strawberry Moon"

Atlas of the Moon. With way too many scientific words for me... but cool pictures!

Today is Mid-Summer - the official middle point of the growing season.

More folklore.

Here's to continuing the Journey... enjoying the Moon's glow and watching with glee as science and folklore meld together!

-Becky

Saturday morning: Forgot to add this yesterday, plus I've been having technical troubles uploading images. But think I may have found a way around it.... Here's the same Moon shot with a little Paint Shop Pro Artistic Brush Strokes....

Happy Summer Solstice

Today the sun will be at its highest elevation, giving us in the Northern Hemisphere, the longest number of daylight hours and the shortest number of night time hours.

The word solstice comes from two Latin words: sol (sun) and sistere (to cause to stand still.) In the days leading up to the summer solstice, the noonday sun rises higher and higher each day. On the day of the solstice, it only rises an itty-bitty, hardly noticeable amount, and so, seems to stand still.

Summer Solstice is known by many names – All-couples day, Midsummer, Feast of St. John the Baptist, Gathering Day, Litha, etc. It’s also celebrated by many cultures and faiths, both ancient and modern – China, Celtic, Christian, Native Americans, Neopaganism, Prehistoric Europe, etc.

Stonehenge is probably the most famous of the ancient stone structures built to mark the sun’s rising. But there are Native American structures as well. Calendar One* is in a 20 acre natural amphitheatre in Vermont. Bighorn Medicine Wheel is west of Sheridan, Wyoming along with 40 or more similar “wheels” on the high plains of the Rocky Mountains. There are also some in Canada. The term “medicine wheel” was coined by Europeans as a term to describe “anything native that white people didn’t understand.”

So what’s all the big deal about the summer solstice?

To ancient cultures, more hours of sunlight meant warmer weather. Warmer weather thawed the ground and melted the snow. It allowed flowers and herbs to grow and leaves to return to the trees. And most important – it made food was easier to find! This midsummer time also marked the middle of the growing season for most of Europe. With the planting done and a few months to go before the crops could be harvested, it was a natural time for celebrating!

It was also a good time for weddings. Traditionally, the best time to harvest honey from the hives was around the first full moon in June – called the Honey Moon. With this fresh supply of honey, newly wed couples were fed lots of dishes and beverages made with honey during the first month of their married life. This encouraged love and fertility. The surviving remnant of this tradition continues today in the holiday couples share immediately after the ceremony – the Honeymoon.

For more information, visit Summer Solstice (where I got most of my info). * Sorry, could not find a website for Calendar One, Vermont - only mentions of it on two other websites: Sacred Sites and Burlington News.

For a look at European sources and links to Stonehenge, visit my friend Paul’s weblog, Off the Beaten Track.

Here's to continuing the Journey... enjoying the sunshine and learning more about our cultural history.

- Becky

Resistance, Reluctance, or Time Out?

I've been trying to figure out this muck I’ve been sitting in the past couple of weeks - thinking that if I can understand it (meaning name it, embrace it, figure out what it’s trying to tell me) then, I can get myself the heck out of it!

At first I called it resistance.

Using a stream-of-consciousness journaling technique, I began asking questions. With this, I discovered a fear of success hiding under the resistance. I was also reminded that overwhelm is one of my favorite methods of self-sabotage.

Talking to a friend a couple of days ago, she too was commenting about being in a resistance mode. She’d just finished several big projects and completed a four-year training course. As she talked about just letting go and letting herself be resistant, I realized that, while trying to let myself be however I needed to be after my crazy busy school year (or two or three… or seven…) I was also laying a guilt trip on myself for not being done with it already. After all, two months ago, I’d laid out all my summer projects on the calendar and here it was mid-June and none of them had been completed yet!

Getting my June newsletter out was one of those projects – was due June 1. Typically, I figure out the topic for the newsletter whenever it comes due, using a topic from whatever’s been going on with me or in my life.

But with all the resistance…. this strategy was not working. (And, yes, I do realize that in-the-moment-topic-searching is not really a good strategy for keeping a monthly newsletter going, but….)

Today, I went to Answers.com and searched for definitions, trying to at least get a starting point for just sitting down and writing something! I found an interesting definition for resistance.

Resistance - a process in which the ego opposes the conscious recall of anxiety-producing experiences.

Huh?

Further down the page I found an English translation:

Resistance - an unwillingness to bring repressed feelings into conscious awareness.

Hm…. Not really what I’ve been feeling.... But on down the page I found a clue for another angle to search through:

resistance is a kind of unwillingness - the trait of being unwilling

With unwillingness having that circular kind of definition, I moved on. Continuing my search, I came across reluctance, which paired down to reluctant with three meanings:

1. unwillingness to do something contrary to your custom
2. unwilling to become involved
3. not eager

This was getting closer to what I’ve been feeling, so I went back to my journal:

Reluctance, what are you here to teach me?

Trying to get you to slow down and just be. Take a time-out.

Of course! Time out! I should have known. My computer does it to me all the time… and there was a definition for that, too!

Time-out:
In communications, the intentional ending of an incomplete task…. Timeouts are common in communications applications in order to free up a line or port that is tied up with a request that has not been answered in a reasonable amount of time. For each type of situation, there is a default length of time before the timeout is initiated....

Now THAT describes me and how I feel exactly! I’ve been tying up my lines with bunches of requests that have not been answered in a reasonable amount of time, which initiated a timeout....

But wait... that’s the same as overwhelm, isn’t it?

Here’s to continuing the Journey... gaining deeper understandings, and learning not to be so resistant about time-out!

-Becky

Sleeping on the Job

Sleeping on the Job,
originally uploaded by bwaters.

Apparently the cello lullabies I've been working on really work!

DC, my almost one-year-old kitty, frequently helps me out in my home office, providing inspiration and letting me know when it's time for a break.

This time it seems he was overcome by the "power" of the lullaby!

Just added the 4th (last) one Sunday night. Want to hear them? Click here... (best not to listen while driving or operating dangerous equipment.... just in case!)

Here's to continuing the Journey... working, playing.... and sleeping!

-Becky

Getting Back in the Swing

Thanks to the Cello Lullabies I've been writing this week, I think I'm gradually coming out of my funk and getting re-energized! (Use the link if you'd like to hear them.)

I hope to have the fourth one written and all of them formatted and ready for publication no later than June 24 - when I talk to my composer friend/business partner, Jim Stallings. (He lives in Atlanta.)

Jim and I started GembeckMusic a couple of years ago - it grew out of our brainstorming the question, "How can we help each other out as composers?" during the 3-hour graduation ordeal getting our Masters degree in Composition, May 2003.

We've made some progress, but as we are both very right-brained, the business still is in a late sort of "set-up" stage.

BUT - we made an agreement with each other yesterday to meet by phone every other week so that we can keep the momentum going and keep each other accountable to our To-Do lists. (I know, you left-brainers out there are probably thinking "well... duh!" But, like I said... we're composers!)

Anyway - this is also part of the reason for my re-energization! And the anticipation that I may actually achieve my goal of getting all my finished pieces uploaded to the GembeckMusic site and ready for sale!! (It's been on my To-Do list for... yeah, 2 years...!)

Here's to continuing the Journey... getting re-energized and back on track with my passion - writing music!

-Becky

Actually, the Truth is.....

.... in continuing the reasons why I have not written a post lately (as started in Life as a Sine Wave).....

The truth is that I had the wind knocked out of me.

After going on and on about how wonderful the experience was in my recent acting opportunity, (blog posts Basking in the Afterglow, Smoking Cast, Feed off the Audience and a whole newsletter dedicated to the idea of stepping out of one's comfort zone), I discovered that I was not chosen for the potential re-play of the show in January 2006 because I could not be heard consistently.

I could go on and on about the symbolic meanings of this.... but the short story is:

• I know that I have a quiet speaking and singing voice.
• I had a body mic on during the shows.
• I didn't realize I was not being heard.
• So I didn't even think about needing to project.
• I have projected and been heard across a noisy room several times in my life.
• But this takes a tremendous amount of energy (and in these instances a bit of frustration and fed-up-ness).
• I believe that being in the show helped to "cure" my fear of being seen by giving me the opportunity to "feel the fear and do it anyway".
  
• I am still grateful for the whole show experience and for the many things I've learned from being in it.
• I take this "rejection" as information that apparently I have a "fear" of being heard also.
• With this new "awareness" I've noticed other situations in the past weeks where this "fear" is being pointed out for healing.
• I sense that the two fears - of being seen and of being heard - are interconnected.
• Even though I intellectually understand all this, I think emotionally, I have been hiding and "licking my wounds".
• It's interesting that after the first weekend of the show, I woke up with a sore throat on Monday and could hardly swallow by Tuesday morning.
• I am grateful for doctor friends and strong drugs that helped me say "NO! This drama experience will not be sabataged!
• It's also interesting that this past Sunday I woke up with swollen, painful, stiff joints in my toes, ankles, fingers, knees and upper vertebrae in my back/neck.
• According to Louise Hay's book, Heal Your Body, swelling has to do with being stuck in thinking and clogged, painful ideas; stiffness has to do with rigid, stiff thinking.
• Working on the inner issues behind these physical symptoms has led to some interesting "aha's".
• These symptoms have nearly all gone away now.... I can wiggle my toes, make a fist, move my neck around and walk down the stairs without hanging onto the railing and grunting with each step!

Here's to continuing the Journey.... and learning more about myself from every experience life sends my way!

-Becky

Life as a Sine Wave

I guess I need to just accept the fact that my life is a sine wave.

I’ve known for a long time that I tend to go through a down period after finishing a big project. And I learned after grad school, that the longer or more intense the event, project or experience, the longer and deeper the down phase.

“Normal” projects like recitals, concerts, finishing a composition or web project, taking a weekend workshop, or going on a business trip, the usually down time is a day or two.

So after finishing my graduate degree a couple of years ago – a seven year project – I figured I’d be generous and give myself a whole month to recuperate. Then, I figured, I’d bounce back and get on with my new leisure life as a non-student, filling my time writing music and being a church organist.

Nice plan in theory. In reality, however, the down time lasted all summer. And somehow by mid-August, I’d filled my plate full of outside commitments and it was already time for the school year to start!

Even though it was a good, productive year – won lots of composition contests, wrote a couple of commissioned pieces, performed in several concerts, made a few business trips to hear my pieces performed, completed a six-month coach training course and went on a 10-day mission trip to Lithuania – the year was so busy, I had no real down time between projects.

And I didn’t even realize what had happened until the next August, when I was ready for summer – i.e. ready to go to the pool, enjoy a less busy schedule and work on some projects of my own – and “woke up” to realize that my summer was gone and that I’d spent it in a sort of unconscious haze.

And that at this point, the only thing left to do was grab a hold of the merry-go-round and start another equally, if not more busy school year than the last.

Finally, May 17, I checked the last thing off my list from this horrendously busy year then took a couple of “conscious” days off. After a weekend workshop in Atlanta where I had some major “aha’s,” I came back on Monday to begin a semi-conscious post partum down time.

I say “semi-conscious” because even though I’m aware of this down pattern, I still did not really plan time for it. In the last weeks of the busy-ness of the semester, as things were winding down, I scheduled all my summer projects, giving due dates, assigning specific days to work on each one, and even noting the specific number of hours to work on each project. My rationale was that since these “project hours” only added up to 15 or so hours each week, so I’d be able to easily work in my down time around them.

Again, a nice plan in theory. In reality, though, the strategy is not working.

Seems my body and my energy levels – physically, mentally and emotionally – have their own plan, and the past 10 days I’ve been doing a lot of sleeping, playing with my kitten and just sitting….

Last night I was talking with a friend I hadn’t seen since April. We were catching each other up on what we’d been doing and I realized that I was really embarrassed about not having worked much on the five projects I’d scheduled myself to be working on these past two weeks – a couple of which should have already been finished!

When he said, “oh, you’ve just been hanging around” like it was no big deal and a perfectly natural thing to do after a long busy time, I realized what I’d been doing to myself….

Over the last two weeks, I’d been becoming more and more antsy about potentially “wasting” another summer and I’d been berating myself for getting further and further behind on my projects!

Feeling like I’ve been catapulted out of a fast moving car and thrown onto the side of a cliff, hanging on by my fingernails, but sliding down slowly, slowly into dark canyon…. I’d been worrying about what to DO: Do I try to climb back up? Or do I let go? If I let go will I fly? Or will I just fall faster? And trying desperately to figure out a way NOT to get back on that merry-go-round in August!

His words were a reminder to give myself time to just BE….. instead of fighting it.

A poster on my wall says…

Stop sinking… change your way of thinking.

Maybe I’ll go back to my project list and pick out five things to work on during the whole summer! (instead of five in two weeks!)

For now though, I think I’ll go play with my kitty cat and maybe take a “regroup” nap before I move on to something else….

Here’s to continuing the Journey… finding out the hard way about energy cycles and sine waves… and learning – slowly – how to just ‘hang’ and BE!

-Becky

Basking in the Afterglow

All week I've been basking in the afterglow of the Smoke on the Mountain experience....

Last night, I went to a concert and twice had people (who I did not know) recognize me and tell me how much they enjoyed the show. (I've only lived in Huntsville a few years, so running into people who know me is still an unusual occurrence.)

Plus, this week as I've been up speaking in front of people - Toastmasters' meeting, choir rehearsal, my students' recital - I've felt different.... more calm, more self-assured... less anxious.... almost like it's just no big deal anymore!

I am so grateful for the experience and for such a fun way to step out of my comfort zone!

And since I am so bad at getting around to writing thank you cards, I wanted to say some thank you's to the Smoke Cast here.... especially since I'll miss the cast party on Sunday....

• Clint (Mervin, the preacher) - You are an incredible inspiration to me and a superb example of what it means to pour your whole self into your character and into the show. Every night you inspired us all to keep our energy up and to "get into the spirit". You put 110% + into everything you do and you're not afraid to learn new things - like how to play the piano and the accordion! I really enjoyed working with you in this new capacity and hope we get a chance to share the stage again!

• Emily (Denise, the "girl" twin) - Your ability to memorize the whole show word-for-word is amazing! You were the first one out of book and the first to know all the lyrics and chords to the songs. Everything you do, you jump into with excitement.... whether it's learning how to play piano or stand up bass for the show... or filling in on Dennis' solos the last night - sprained ankle and all! You are awesome!

• Amber (June, older sister) - One who "doesn't sing, I sign".... and steals the show every time with your "home-made" signing! You are also an inspiration and a tremendous example of what it means to get into your character 100%. You are a quiet, calm, yet intense presence on stage and I learned a lot from watching you. I hope we can work together again.

• Mel (Uncle Stanley) - Your beautiful voice, your solid vocal support and your strong stage presence was a joy to work with. Thank you for your dedication and learning to play the guitar and the stand up bass for the show!

• Kelly (Burl, father) - I already knew and appreciated your musical talents - vocal, guitar, bass, violin.... I really enjoyed working with you on stage and getting to know a little more about your many other talents and interests..... hunter, pilot, doctor, lawyer....

• Ryan (Dennis, the "boy" twin) - Watching you get into your monologue and solos was inspiring - definite "show-stealing" qualities! Every night, of all the songs in the show, I'd go home singing "Life is like a mountain railroad....." Thanks for all the energy you added to the show - and for learning the piano (and guitar!)

• Jayce (Cousin Cletus) - Banjo Picker, Extrodinaire!! You are amazing.... and it seemed like you just kept getting better and better! It would NOT have been the same show without your talented musical handiwork!

• Bob (Director) -Thank you for all you do behind stage to support the arts in Huntsville and through Renaissance Theatre. And I can't say thank you enough for giving me the opportunity and the encouragement to spread my wings and give the acting world a try..... It was an incredible experience and I loved it!

Here's to continuing the Journey.... stepping out and enjoying the ride with strong support and encouragement from a great, Smokin' cast.... Thank you!

- Becky

Smoke Cast

Smoke Cast,
originally uploaded by bwaters.

Tonight was the last show of a two week, 7-show run. I have loved every minute of it, from the first rehearsal to the end of tonight's show!

It has been a very rewarding - and definitely, comfort zone expanding experience.

Now, I have very mixed feelings - part of me is glad it's over, as this is the next to the last thing checked off on my rediculously busy Spring Semester. (Student recital on Tuesday is the last!)

But part of me is also a little sad. You have been my "family" over the last 2 1/2 months. And with no cast party tonight, the experience seems a little "unfinished" and incomplete.... I look forward to getting back together with everyone in a couple of weeks to celebrate!

Here's to continuing the Journey.... expanding comfort zones and making new friends!

-Becky

Political Profile

Just for the record... I'm not the least bit interested in politics. I can't even keep it straight in my head what "conservative" or "liberal" or "republican" or "democrat" means or stands for or anything.....

But when I discovered the How Liberal/Conservative Are You? quiz at Blogthings... my curiosity got the best of me! Here's my results: (sorry, I can't figure out what is making the profile frame be so far down! It's driving me crazy!!)

Your Political Profile

Overall: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Social Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

How Liberal / Conservative Are You?

Fascinating!

Here's to continuing the Journey.... and learning more bits and pieces about yourself!

-Becky

Decisions and Change

I apologize for not writing a post in awhile.... this acting stuff takes a lot of energy and time! Dress rehearsals Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and shows Friday and Saturday with a Sunday matinee! (Smoke on the Mountain) Plus my parents, their friends and a couple of my friends were in town for the Saturday show.

Needless to say, I'm very glad to be having a couple of days off! Then do four more shows this week - Wednesday through Saturday. I sure hope the sore throat I woke up with Monday morning is gone by tomorrow night!! Went to the doctor and got some hi-power drugs today. Not my usual mode of operation... but then, neither is singing and speaking in front of a lot of people every night!

In the meantime, between shows, lessons and coaching, I've been making decisions and changes in my life. So Decisions and Change seemed to be a good topic for the May issue of my newsletter, Create a Happy 'Tude.

Your life changes the moment you make a new, congruent, and committed decision.

- Anthony Robbins, American advisor to leaders

Here's to continuing the Journey... growing, changing, making decisions.

-Becky